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Barbie Porn

barbie-in-compromising-positionsOver the years there are things that have been ruined for me. You know flying isn’t the glamour trip I thought it would be, hot dogs are flat out gross and most celebrities (without their make up) rival the TV show The Living Dead. I get that at some point we all have to grow up and realize that the man behind the curtain is not Oz, but just a man. There’s no Santa, no tooth fairy, no Easter bunny. I am fine with all of it.

But nothing, however, has been worse or could have prepared me for my recent discovery. I was at a romance conference where an author announced, at a networking dinner, that she practices her sex and group sex scenes (from her books) on her Barbie dolls to make sure that, eh, the positions are ok.

I just can’t make this stuff up. I looked at her, sipped my wine (ok, gulped it) and said, “So, you practice sex scenes with your Barbie dolls?” 

“Yes,” she chirped enthusiastically, “I do it all the time. In fact in one scene Ken got so excited he broke his leg!”

Wait. What? I took another gulp of wine and flagged down the wait staff to just leave the bottle. The author was on a roll now, telling us how her dolls were glad she was at this event so they could have a reprieve and rest up for the next session. Ew. And then she said that next week she was going to get Skipper in the act.

Whoa, what? Isn’t Skipper underage? Now I’d heard enough. I mean seriously, wasn’t someone going to stand up for the rights of young girls?

Oh, wait. They’re Barbie dolls. Still, there’s something wildly creepy about this. And much like the women who wear spandex outside of the house (who really shouldn’t) there are certain things you can not un-see or un-hear. Barbie Porn is one of them.

So I share this with you, dear reader, because now you know that there are no limits to creativity. But there should be limits on what you admit to in public.

Just sayin’.