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My Christmas Wish List for North Korea

north-korea-interviewLife is so unfair. I mean seriously. You know I actually wanted to see The Interview, now, poof, the chances for that are pretty much washed up. Then I thought, you know why the heck didn’t North Korea get rid of a movie that is seriously bad like 50 Shades of Grey? As I said, totally unfair. Also, who knew that an oppressed country like No Korea could pull this off? Though I’m sure this is horrifying for Sony you have to admit, it’s been pretty funny to watch all of these crazy, brutally honest and often head-shaking emails be filtered out there. In a way this gives me nightmares. Our company would be out of business if this happened to us. No, really. With all these “do you think this author is bat shit crazy” emails floating out there, this would not bode well.

But I digress…

So this got me thinking about my own personal wish list for North Korea. I mean look, if you’re going to hack something at least make it worthwhile, right? Make it something we can all agree on. So, Mr. North Korea Hacker person, if you’re listening (or you know in my computer stealing my credit card info) this list is for you!

The next time you’re hacking, please work on this stuff that really should not exist. The world would be a far better place.4032054d3f8cf665a583312f466dce3e1699c064

1) Anything Kim Kardashian is in and this includes all reality shows her family is doing. Enough already. Plus with this whole “break the Internet” campaign she’s giving you some stiff competition. No pun intended.

2) All things hot: hot yoga, hot spin, hot belly dancing. Seriously? Just because you add the word “hot” does not make it better or better for you. You should call your customers hot, if you did we’d be more inclined to visit.

3) Everyone who says “Happy Holidays” and all companies that force their employees to not use the term Christmas or (God forbid) Merry Christmas. This is just stupid and you should be banned from doing business. It’s ok to put up Christmas sales in July but not ok to say Merry Christmas. This makes no sense to me. Coal all around.

4) Crowd sourcing for food. Have you seen this? Companies asking consumers to submit new flavor ideas for food products, a big chip company (who shall remain nameless lest they do go down over the holidays – don’t want to take ALL the credit) does a pretty big campaign and this year’s winner was Wasabi Ginger. Okay not terrible I guess but people submit ideas like “fresh cut grass” and “beach sand & coconut”. Sick. Their UK counterpart actually started selling Cajun Squirrel. We don’t need a bunch of stoners playing foodie. There’s a reason your pot head nephew doesn’t have a job.

5) 50 Shades of Grey. You know this had to be on there, I mean right? Also, I’d like to see all the emails surrounding this too, because at some point someone had to have asked how this train wreck of a book made it into movie production. Just sayin’.28

6) In the spirit of Christmas, dolls that look like strippers, hookers, and transvestites without giving said groups the credit they’re due. I’m not going to say you shouldn’t OWN your right to be a stripper, or dress like your cousin Marybeth, but let’s not mislead children into thinking these aren’t grown up lifestyle choices and just “the way kids dress these days”. Next up we have naughty schoolgirl Destiny on stage two…

7) Penis enlargement advertisers. Seriously. I don’t think I need to explain this, but let’s just leave it at: No thank you.

I think I’ve been pretty nice this year, so again, Mr. North Korea Hacker, please consider my wish list – I know you’ll make a lot of people happy!

Merry Christmas!