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My (slightly snarky) Wish List for Santa

Dear Santa,

Christmas is getting close and I realized I haven’t sent you my list yet. So here it is and though I didn’t ask for world peace, I tried not to be selfish. Though I do feel that authors-not-behaving-badly would sort of count towards the world peace thing.

1)      Realistic expectations: Last week I spoke with an author about her marketing, when I tried to get more information about the book, she said “the only thing you need to know about my book is that it’s the best book ever written and will be an international bestseller.” All right then. Good to know. Please see #7.

2)      Less of 50 Shades of Grey: I know, I know, there’s a movie coming out so my hope for this is diminishing by the minute. But the other day I was in the store and they now have a 50 Shades of Grey branded wine. Really? Are you allowed to drink it outside of the Red Room of Pain? Over it.

3)      Please stop making stupid people famous. Miley Cyrus. Really?

4)      Please stop publishing books by stupid people. ‘Nuf said.

5)      Please make Bradley Cooper drop his restraining order against me so we can finally live happily ever after and make babies and I can stop boring all of you with my blog rants.

6)      I want someone to create a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that is almost orgasmic and totally calorie free. It seems like people have been spending a lot of time inventing a bunch of stupid “As-seen-on-TV” shit. Why do we need a light up pillow? Aren’t pillows for sleeping? Isn’t a light sort of counterproductive? And a zoom cooker for baked potatoes, really? Who’s eating so many baked potatoes that you need a machine to cook them in 9 seconds? If you’re eating that many potatoes, you may have a problem a fast-cooker can’t fix. Try the ice cream instead.

7)      Authors who understand that writing a book is hard work. It’s not like instant hot chocolate where you add hot water and “poof,” it’s a delightful beverage. A lot of authors feel that way about their book marketing. Publish and “poof” it’s a bestseller. Nope, sorry. Do nothing and poof, it’s number four million on Amazon.com.

8)       I love Christmas, but please stop putting up store decorations in April. Putting up Christmas crap early does not make me want to buy more. Does anyone really need a reminder that Christmas is in December? I think that most stores believe we are all morons.

9)      For people to stop using Facebook as a diary. Seriously. Most of the time when someone posts some odd, sad diatribe like: “Please pray for me, my life is a swirling black hole,” I want to remind them to stop being an attention whore and that this is a public forum and personal rants should be kept to yourself and if they do end their life, to please will me all of their cool gadgets. Also, I want Facebook to create a “dislike” button. I would use this button several times an hour.

10)   For people to say thank you more. I know this sounds ridiculous and silly, but when was the last time someone just randomly thanked you for something you did? We thank the barista who hands us our coffee (you do, don’t you?), but when was the last time you thanked a blogger or reader for a review? Or thanked your marketing person for their hard work (even if they didn’t make you famous) Seriously. Say please, say thank you. It will change your life.

Ok so that’s it. Note that I didn’t ask for a bunch of selfish stuff. Well, except for Bradley Cooper. But if you can’t give me anything on this list, then I’d like a house in the South of France. And minions. I’d like minions, too. 🙂

Kisses,

Kate